I went to see the psychiatrist today and brought hubby along. I felt it was a good idea to have someone there who actuall OBSerVeS the behaviour as opposed to just feeling it. The truth is I have been abusing ativan for the last week or so and the threat of them taking it away from me for good was not going to happen. I have some major short term memory loss and it is taking a huge effect. I missed 1 and a half days of work this week... days which I wont be paid for. I took 40 bucks from the grocery money and dont remember. I can't tell you what day it is without looking at the computer screen. Oh but the feeling when that ativan dissolves in my mouth is like pure bliss. Knowing that pretty soon it will all be ok, I won't care, the pain is gone and you are back beside me.
I described to the doctor my obsession with Dorian, how a relationship that was based solely on text and emails, has turned into my lifes obsession for him to want me. How a guy I just met and didn't really care about rejected me and I fell apart. She thinks I am a borderline in crisis. I tend to agree. I am always striving for that one thing I cannot have. I can't have Dorian yet I continue to dream, obsess and just think about his face every day. Its getting creepy. So here comes the punchline...
Mark wants me totally off Ativan because I take it like 5 times a day and got in an accident when I was on it. I say HELL FUCKING NO I need that shit
Psychiatrist says ok.. .5mg of ativan twice a day- controlled by Mark, ):, valproic acid, and clonazapam for night. Omitted the zyprexa because a)its super expensive and b) it causes weight gain which I don't need.
On another note for all you freaky deeky people out there, not only will I be selling prints of some of my nudey pics, I am also making fancy dancy undergarments I will be selling soon on here. Be sure to buy some, I need money for more tattoos..
Loves..
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