6 degrees of uncertainty

What the fuck is wrong with me? I cant get over this guy and I have never even had a relationship with him? Its been a flurry of endless emails and text messages heated as they were. I viewed his profile on a social network site and there is a picture of him with a chick and it says Lovers. I was like whatever all day... and as the day went on it bugged me more and more and more to the point where i was going to break down and cry. I am making an appointment to see a psychic or something. I need to KNOW if this is a waste of my time. Every time I think it is and I somewhat forget he texts me again or emails with a sob story. I fall........hard every fucking time. I dont know what to do I can't think, I can't concentrate and I sure as hell cant work. I know I need to ignore him but I just can't. I have to like delete his number and email so I can't get ahold of him again. Although I know I would remember his number.

God someone help me get over this...

The good, the Bad and the Ugly

So its been a pretty shitty week, me being as bitchy and miserable as usual with the withdrawal effects from the ativan. Things started looking up yesterday when we got invited to go see Nickelback (who I dont entirely mind) with the vp of sales from a large electronic firm. Not only did we get sweet tickets, but backstage passes to meet the band etc etc. This guy was buying our beer and everything it was fucking sweet. So we get through all 3 opening bands - Saving Abel and Papa Roach were good- Hinder sucked ass. Then the lighting storm hit. The venue was outdoor and only certain seats were covered from the lightning and rain. We had 4900 lightning strikes in the Toronto area. So first they delayed Nickelback then they inevitably cancelled the show citing the bad weather. So no show. no afterparty. No way to get Nickelback to sign my tits. :)




Next subject:




My job and how it blows huge ass. LIKE HUGE. I am avoiding going in lately and am frequently late on purpose. Well hubby went to bat for me and ( I am too scared to say anything cause then something always goes wrong) got me a part time gig selling computer equipment. Its straight commission but let me tell you how I am going to bust my fucking ass to make some dough. And prove myself into a full time job. Cause I am seriously going to go postal at work. Seriously.









Last Subject: Dorian




Yes, him again. He who finds some sick pleasure in toying with me and my feelings. He who sends me a IM in the middle of the night with a sad face and a embarrassed face as his way of saying he is sorry and he is an asshole? Then replies to my question of "what the fuck do you want?" with a I wanted to get a hold of you last night to come and pick me up (to fuck of course).




My response " whatever dorian I have heard that before" and finally his response- "I swear I was ready for you to come and get me"




My final response " so what now?"




He has ignored me since then.




I vow to ignore him this time but I lie to myself. He holds a piece of me and I dont fucking know why. He is a huge asshole but fuck he is cute.

Welcome to heartbreak

I am back from the cottage... did you miss me? Of course you did. My weekend was actually suprisingly beautiful and peaceful of course until we got home yesterday. All of you who know me understand I have been diagnosed with bi-polar II or possibly Borderline Personality disorder. This diagnosis and illness causes me to behave in ways that are not conducive to a healthy marriage or relationship for that matter. I destroy every single good relationship I have had. So of course in the spirit of destroying good things I have had numerous affairs on my husband. He had accepted what I have done in the past but I had promised with my new meds and therapy I was going to get better and not do it anymore. Of course I couldn't keep that promise and met another person on Craigslist (the death of me) and made plans to hook up. My hubby found out about this and without saying a word about it all weekend, went on like nothing was wrong. Then he calmly told me he has contacted a lawyer and is going to start divorce proceedings. Besides being shocked and devastated, I was actually scared....really scared for the first time in a long time. Truth be told there is no way in hell I can actually support my kids on my income. Of course he would keep his child (my youngest) but he is not going to keep his stepchildren or support them.

He told me I have lots to think about... I wrote him a letter and poured my heart out. I told him things I have told no one........EVER.

Things are on a trial basis for now. He thinks I should take the divorce and find the tattooed and pierced boy I am looking for. I say no one wants me. We are at an impasse. Lets see how it goes.

Oh and because I promised here is some cottage pics.

Psychiatry 1 oh 1

I went to see the psychiatrist today and brought hubby along. I felt it was a good idea to have someone there who actuall OBSerVeS the behaviour as opposed to just feeling it. The truth is I have been abusing ativan for the last week or so and the threat of them taking it away from me for good was not going to happen. I have some major short term memory loss and it is taking a huge effect. I missed 1 and a half days of work this week... days which I wont be paid for. I took 40 bucks from the grocery money and dont remember. I can't tell you what day it is without looking at the computer screen. Oh but the feeling when that ativan dissolves in my mouth is like pure bliss. Knowing that pretty soon it will all be ok, I won't care, the pain is gone and you are back beside me.
I described to the doctor my obsession with Dorian, how a relationship that was based solely on text and emails, has turned into my lifes obsession for him to want me. How a guy I just met and didn't really care about rejected me and I fell apart. She thinks I am a borderline in crisis. I tend to agree. I am always striving for that one thing I cannot have. I can't have Dorian yet I continue to dream, obsess and just think about his face every day. Its getting creepy. So here comes the punchline...
Mark wants me totally off Ativan because I take it like 5 times a day and got in an accident when I was on it. I say HELL FUCKING NO I need that shit
Psychiatrist says ok.. .5mg of ativan twice a day- controlled by Mark, ):, valproic acid, and clonazapam for night. Omitted the zyprexa because a)its super expensive and b) it causes weight gain which I don't need.

On another note for all you freaky deeky people out there, not only will I be selling prints of some of my nudey pics, I am also making fancy dancy undergarments I will be selling soon on here. Be sure to buy some, I need money for more tattoos..

Loves..

Heart hurts

Wake up it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know I need to know tonight
Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine
Patience my dear
We could spend a lifetime waiting here
Maybe this time
I hope I get the chance to say goodbye
Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine
Dayafter day
Cutting away
Day after day
But anyway
Wake up it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know
I need to know tonight
Sweet and divine


On a side note, I am going to work on removing the target on my heart that keeps getting bullets shot through it. Guys are so mean..the pain is unbearable and I will unevitabley cut again.
Thanks Matt.

Top o the morning to ya

Good morning all my blog followers all like (1) of you. I spent my day off after the accident making stuff. I made some really cute underwear that I will be posting later. I would love to take off another day but can't afford it. My job search is going no where and I am fearful I am going to be stuck there until I retire...or have a nervous breakdown, whichever comes first. I was trying to talk to hubby about the reasons why I have panic attacks when there is clearly no danger. He so doesn't get anything. To him I should just be able to snap my fingers and POOF the utter fear disappears.
I was listening to the song by dallas green.....

Sleeping Sickness

I truly believe this is about panic disorder. Every lyric in this song is something I have felt. Its awesome some one else suffers and actually wrote about it.

Anyway I will post the new goodies later.

Have an fantabulous day everyone!!

The after effects....

At the risk of sounding like a total whiny bitch; I am in lots of pain today. My leg must have gotten pulled in my meagar attempt to slam the brakes into the pavement and my neck from the fact I was not wearing a seatbelt correctly and my head practically hit the dashboard.

So today is the day I am sitting at home and going to watch a collection of movies I have not seen. I am hitting blockbuster as soon as I get my bloodwork done. I will not leave my bed for nothing but urgent washroom breaks. NO internet....EGAD! No phone and def no shopping. I have like 6 dollars in my account right now. It is pretty pathetic since I bust my ass like no tomorrow for this joint I work at.
I have been taking more that the regular dose of ativan, it makes me feel more relaxed that I have ever felt in my life. I could get used to this.

I am posing a question for all my readers.

WHAT, IN YOUR OPINION, IS THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU?


sincerely,

ROUGE

Crash Bang Boom

I got in a car accident on the way home. It was totally my fault as I am in fucking la la land these days. I rear ended a taxi cab and my car lost. It must have taken me 15 seconds to register what actually happened. I feel like a puzzle, which the pieces are being scattered around. My medication graps at the corners of these pieces, in a meager attempt to piece things together, to make sense of something. Things just flow like colors in the rainbow in my spectrum of view. Like when you are really high and everything moves in slow motion. My life is slow motion with the majority of pieces missing. Its been a long tough road.
SOooooo I am selling some prints on my blog via paypal. I will send you an high gloss 8 X 10 print of your choice from my album. Its 15 bucks at pop plus shipping. (Hey a girl is gotta make money). Feel free to donate to my tattoo fund as well if you don't want a print. Thats what the prints are paying for...

Welcome to my life..