6 degrees of uncertainty

What the fuck is wrong with me? I cant get over this guy and I have never even had a relationship with him? Its been a flurry of endless emails and text messages heated as they were. I viewed his profile on a social network site and there is a picture of him with a chick and it says Lovers. I was like whatever all day... and as the day went on it bugged me more and more and more to the point where i was going to break down and cry. I am making an appointment to see a psychic or something. I need to KNOW if this is a waste of my time. Every time I think it is and I somewhat forget he texts me again or emails with a sob story. I fall........hard every fucking time. I dont know what to do I can't think, I can't concentrate and I sure as hell cant work. I know I need to ignore him but I just can't. I have to like delete his number and email so I can't get ahold of him again. Although I know I would remember his number.

God someone help me get over this...

The good, the Bad and the Ugly

So its been a pretty shitty week, me being as bitchy and miserable as usual with the withdrawal effects from the ativan. Things started looking up yesterday when we got invited to go see Nickelback (who I dont entirely mind) with the vp of sales from a large electronic firm. Not only did we get sweet tickets, but backstage passes to meet the band etc etc. This guy was buying our beer and everything it was fucking sweet. So we get through all 3 opening bands - Saving Abel and Papa Roach were good- Hinder sucked ass. Then the lighting storm hit. The venue was outdoor and only certain seats were covered from the lightning and rain. We had 4900 lightning strikes in the Toronto area. So first they delayed Nickelback then they inevitably cancelled the show citing the bad weather. So no show. no afterparty. No way to get Nickelback to sign my tits. :)




Next subject:




My job and how it blows huge ass. LIKE HUGE. I am avoiding going in lately and am frequently late on purpose. Well hubby went to bat for me and ( I am too scared to say anything cause then something always goes wrong) got me a part time gig selling computer equipment. Its straight commission but let me tell you how I am going to bust my fucking ass to make some dough. And prove myself into a full time job. Cause I am seriously going to go postal at work. Seriously.









Last Subject: Dorian




Yes, him again. He who finds some sick pleasure in toying with me and my feelings. He who sends me a IM in the middle of the night with a sad face and a embarrassed face as his way of saying he is sorry and he is an asshole? Then replies to my question of "what the fuck do you want?" with a I wanted to get a hold of you last night to come and pick me up (to fuck of course).




My response " whatever dorian I have heard that before" and finally his response- "I swear I was ready for you to come and get me"




My final response " so what now?"




He has ignored me since then.




I vow to ignore him this time but I lie to myself. He holds a piece of me and I dont fucking know why. He is a huge asshole but fuck he is cute.

Welcome to heartbreak

I am back from the cottage... did you miss me? Of course you did. My weekend was actually suprisingly beautiful and peaceful of course until we got home yesterday. All of you who know me understand I have been diagnosed with bi-polar II or possibly Borderline Personality disorder. This diagnosis and illness causes me to behave in ways that are not conducive to a healthy marriage or relationship for that matter. I destroy every single good relationship I have had. So of course in the spirit of destroying good things I have had numerous affairs on my husband. He had accepted what I have done in the past but I had promised with my new meds and therapy I was going to get better and not do it anymore. Of course I couldn't keep that promise and met another person on Craigslist (the death of me) and made plans to hook up. My hubby found out about this and without saying a word about it all weekend, went on like nothing was wrong. Then he calmly told me he has contacted a lawyer and is going to start divorce proceedings. Besides being shocked and devastated, I was actually scared....really scared for the first time in a long time. Truth be told there is no way in hell I can actually support my kids on my income. Of course he would keep his child (my youngest) but he is not going to keep his stepchildren or support them.

He told me I have lots to think about... I wrote him a letter and poured my heart out. I told him things I have told no one........EVER.

Things are on a trial basis for now. He thinks I should take the divorce and find the tattooed and pierced boy I am looking for. I say no one wants me. We are at an impasse. Lets see how it goes.

Oh and because I promised here is some cottage pics.