Psychiatry 1 oh 1

I went to see the psychiatrist today and brought hubby along. I felt it was a good idea to have someone there who actuall OBSerVeS the behaviour as opposed to just feeling it. The truth is I have been abusing ativan for the last week or so and the threat of them taking it away from me for good was not going to happen. I have some major short term memory loss and it is taking a huge effect. I missed 1 and a half days of work this week... days which I wont be paid for. I took 40 bucks from the grocery money and dont remember. I can't tell you what day it is without looking at the computer screen. Oh but the feeling when that ativan dissolves in my mouth is like pure bliss. Knowing that pretty soon it will all be ok, I won't care, the pain is gone and you are back beside me.
I described to the doctor my obsession with Dorian, how a relationship that was based solely on text and emails, has turned into my lifes obsession for him to want me. How a guy I just met and didn't really care about rejected me and I fell apart. She thinks I am a borderline in crisis. I tend to agree. I am always striving for that one thing I cannot have. I can't have Dorian yet I continue to dream, obsess and just think about his face every day. Its getting creepy. So here comes the punchline...
Mark wants me totally off Ativan because I take it like 5 times a day and got in an accident when I was on it. I say HELL FUCKING NO I need that shit
Psychiatrist says ok.. .5mg of ativan twice a day- controlled by Mark, ):, valproic acid, and clonazapam for night. Omitted the zyprexa because a)its super expensive and b) it causes weight gain which I don't need.

On another note for all you freaky deeky people out there, not only will I be selling prints of some of my nudey pics, I am also making fancy dancy undergarments I will be selling soon on here. Be sure to buy some, I need money for more tattoos..

Loves..

Heart hurts

Wake up it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know I need to know tonight
Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine
Patience my dear
We could spend a lifetime waiting here
Maybe this time
I hope I get the chance to say goodbye
Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine
Dayafter day
Cutting away
Day after day
But anyway
Wake up it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know
I need to know tonight
Sweet and divine


On a side note, I am going to work on removing the target on my heart that keeps getting bullets shot through it. Guys are so mean..the pain is unbearable and I will unevitabley cut again.
Thanks Matt.

Top o the morning to ya

Good morning all my blog followers all like (1) of you. I spent my day off after the accident making stuff. I made some really cute underwear that I will be posting later. I would love to take off another day but can't afford it. My job search is going no where and I am fearful I am going to be stuck there until I retire...or have a nervous breakdown, whichever comes first. I was trying to talk to hubby about the reasons why I have panic attacks when there is clearly no danger. He so doesn't get anything. To him I should just be able to snap my fingers and POOF the utter fear disappears.
I was listening to the song by dallas green.....

Sleeping Sickness

I truly believe this is about panic disorder. Every lyric in this song is something I have felt. Its awesome some one else suffers and actually wrote about it.

Anyway I will post the new goodies later.

Have an fantabulous day everyone!!

The after effects....

At the risk of sounding like a total whiny bitch; I am in lots of pain today. My leg must have gotten pulled in my meagar attempt to slam the brakes into the pavement and my neck from the fact I was not wearing a seatbelt correctly and my head practically hit the dashboard.

So today is the day I am sitting at home and going to watch a collection of movies I have not seen. I am hitting blockbuster as soon as I get my bloodwork done. I will not leave my bed for nothing but urgent washroom breaks. NO internet....EGAD! No phone and def no shopping. I have like 6 dollars in my account right now. It is pretty pathetic since I bust my ass like no tomorrow for this joint I work at.
I have been taking more that the regular dose of ativan, it makes me feel more relaxed that I have ever felt in my life. I could get used to this.

I am posing a question for all my readers.

WHAT, IN YOUR OPINION, IS THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU?


sincerely,

ROUGE

Crash Bang Boom

I got in a car accident on the way home. It was totally my fault as I am in fucking la la land these days. I rear ended a taxi cab and my car lost. It must have taken me 15 seconds to register what actually happened. I feel like a puzzle, which the pieces are being scattered around. My medication graps at the corners of these pieces, in a meager attempt to piece things together, to make sense of something. Things just flow like colors in the rainbow in my spectrum of view. Like when you are really high and everything moves in slow motion. My life is slow motion with the majority of pieces missing. Its been a long tough road.
SOooooo I am selling some prints on my blog via paypal. I will send you an high gloss 8 X 10 print of your choice from my album. Its 15 bucks at pop plus shipping. (Hey a girl is gotta make money). Feel free to donate to my tattoo fund as well if you don't want a print. Thats what the prints are paying for...

Welcome to my life..